


the meaning of hardship

by sweetbun_trio



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Azure Moon Ferdinand, Cooking Lessons, Food Issues, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25041415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetbun_trio/pseuds/sweetbun_trio
Summary: There was no place for an Adrestian noble who had transferred classes and opposed the Emperor’s decision to begin a war. Since then, he had scraped by, living as a vagrant and scrounging for whatever shelter and food he could find.That was what Ferdinand was doing that evening, behind an inn in a small village.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir & Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert
Comments: 1
Kudos: 38
Collections: FE3H Kink Meme





	the meaning of hardship

**Author's Note:**

> For the prompt: 
> 
> After fleeing the empire, Ferdinand spent 5 years as a vagrant only to join a resistance held together by spit, grit and bits of string. Living a life like that when he grew up in the lap of luxury must have messed with his relationship to food
> 
> I'd like to see that explored, possibly with him hoarding food even after the army gets better resources and easily getting nauseous since he had to subsist on meager meals for quite a while
> 
> Bonus if one of his friends, like Dorothea who knows what scrounging for food is like, notices how he's not doing too well

It was already Ethereal Moon, and five years had somehow already passed. Ferdinand had almost forgotten these facts until stumbling upon a war propaganda pamphlet, dated 15th Ethereal Moon, Imperial Year 1185. He was not completely sure how old it was, but it was still crisp and white, so not too. 

The date of Garreg Mach Establishment Day, and this year, the date that the Millennium Festival would have been was fast approaching. 

He was currently somewhere in the southeastern part of the Kingdom, probably Galatea. He had worked his way south as the temperatures began to drop, but he was as far south as he dared go now, without risking Imperial discovery and possibly capture. 

To tell the truth, he was not sure how much of a priority capturing him would be, at this point. Ferdinand had fled the Empire after Edelgard stripped him of his title and lands once she had declared war and attacked the Monastery nearly five years ago. There was no place for an Adrestian noble who had transferred classes and opposed the Emperor’s decision to begin a war. Since then, he had scraped by, living as a vagrant and scrounging for whatever shelter and food he could find. 

That was what he was doing that evening, behind an inn in a small village. He had been rooting through the rubbish bins to find any leftover food or anything he could use. His belly ached, feeling hollow with the gnawing hunger he had scarcely relieved in years. Ferdinand knew he must look gaunt and wraithlike, as malnourished as he surely must be. He pushed his hair, stringy and unkempt, behind his shoulder and bent over again to search. It was fruitless, as all he found was discarded uncooked food, which he had no means or skills to make edible even if it were not mostly spoiled. 

The back door opened and he flinched, shrinking back and as far into himself as he could manage and looking at his feet. The shame of being caught stealing from the garbage was a regular aspect of his life now. 

“Hey,” said a kindly, feminine voice. Ferdinand looked up to see a young woman, a barmaid probably. She held out a plate. It looked like about one fourth of the food remained from some traveler’s meal. He did not reach out, staring and waiting. Most people did not appreciate a beggar lunging too quickly at them, even when offering discarded food. 

After a moment, the woman knelt and set the plate in the dirt. “Just leave the plate when you’re done, ok?” she said and retreated back into the inn. 

Ferdinand waited until the door bumped shut and only then descended upon the food. It was only the leftover root vegetables from the meal - the diner had eaten all the meat - but he ran his finger around the rim of the plate afterward to be sure to get all of it. 

He decided to make his way west out of the village, following the last of the evening light, until he found a spot to camp that looked relatively safe. He weighed his next actions in his mind, wondering if any of his former classmates would return to Garreg Mach. Did Edelgard know of the pact they made? If so would she use the possibility of her enemies’ return to attack again and wipe them out in one fell swoop? In the end, he figured it was worth the chance: either reunite with past allies who would hopefully welcome him, or be put out of his misery. 

In the days leading up to the planned reunion, Ferdinand traveled southwest, skirting along the northern edge of the mountains. As he began to approach Garreg Mach, he also began to doubt himself. He hung back, keeping to the surrounding villages, listening for news. And there were rumors. Whispers about a man more like a beast, savaging Imperials, and of a battle in the old Monastery town at dawn, then hope that some remnant of the Kingdom’s resistance had taken up in the Monastery itself. 

The towers and turrets loomed ever larger as Ferdinand approached on a bitterly cold, clear day at the beginning of Guardian Moon. He entered the old ruined town without seeing any sentries or patrols, setting his nerves on fire. It’s not until he had ascended the steps from the market that a gatekeeper - in fact it is the very same from his academy days, somehow - commanded him to halt. 

“Who are you and what business do you have here?” the gatekeeper asked. He tilted his head up to get a better look at Ferdinand, a small spark of recognition flashing in his eyes.

“I am Ferdinand von Aegir,” he croaked, “and I am here to join those who fight the Empire.”

Soldiers retrieved him and brought him to speak with the other former students and members of the Church of Seiros who had made the Monastery their new base. They had met in the Cardinals Room, a space that used to be off-limits to almost everyone. Ferdinand stepped into the room after the soldiers deposited him outside, and seven faces turned to see him, displaying varying levels of shock after recognizing him. 

“Ferdinand, is that you?” Mercedes was the first to speak. She looked so different from the woman he remembered, shorter hair, and a priest’s cap and veil. Her eyes remained kind as ever, but with a steely resolve behind them. She stepped forward as he stumbled and fell to his knees. 

Annette followed close behind her and asked in a slightly panicked tone, “Are you ok?” They began to help him to stand up before Sylvain stepped in and lifted him easily. 

“Let’s get him to the infirmary first,” Sylvain said quietly, “then we can find out what happened.” His arm slid underneath Ferdinand’s and wrapped around to grip his side. Ferdinand winced at the contact, feeling thin and brittle. 

“Right,” said Ingrid, brow furrowed with worry, “Come on.”

The four of them guided him out of the room, followed by Felix and Ashe, with Byleth taking up the rear of the group. What a shock to see Byleth, Ferdinand’s mind registered belatedly. How had she survived the battle and all the time since?

Upon reaching the infirmary, Ferdinand lay down on one of the beds. Manuela was nowhere to be found and Felix volunteered to go looking for her. 

“What happened?” Ashe asked once everyone had gathered around him. His hair was more neatly kept than Ferdinand remembered, although his bangs still hung into his eyes. 

“I was not allowed to return to the Empire when the war started,” he told them, “Edelgard abolished my title and took my lands because I had sided with you during school and would not join her cause.”

“You mean you haven’t had a home all this time?” Mercedes asked woefully, “Where did you go?”

“I was mainly in the Kingdom. I scraped by with what I could get.” Ferdinand could not meet any of their eyes and picked at a tear at his cuff, which had become threadbare. 

Manuela entered, shooing them all away in order to check him over. Everyone looked on which she poked and prodded him. “Well, you’re not acutely injured,” she said, “but you are malnourished and could use some rest to get your strength up. I see no reason to keep you in the infirmary overnight.”

“Why don’t you rest while we tidy up your room,” Ashe stated. Annette and Mercedes nodded.

“We can get some clean linens and night clothes,” Ingrid offered, shooting glances at Felix and Sylvain.

The two groups left, and only Manuela and Byleth remained next to him. “I’ll go with you to get some food and then you can go to the baths,” Byleth said, “You’ll feel a lot better once you’re fed and fresh and clean.”

“Do make sure to relax, and don’t overdo it,” Manuela said firmly.

Some time later, he sat on his bed in his old room, wearing comfortable night clothes. Everything was eerily exactly where he remembered it. Pieces of armor were still strewn across the floor where he had left them before he had attempted to return to Aegir territory. A thick layer of dust covered the desk and other surfaces that had not yet been cleaned. He turned down the clean blanket and sheet his comrades had made his bed with and slipped underneath, pulling the covers up to his chin and staring up at the ceiling. It was still chilly, though infinitely better than sleeping rough outside. 

The Blue Lions had insisted on taking the clothing he had been wearing to get washed and mended. All of them had shown him so much kindness in the few hours since he had arrived. Although he could see that the small resistance force they were leading was short on resources and all manner of supplies, they all made up for it in their willingness to get their hands dirty and put in the work needed.

For the first time in ages, he had been able to eat more than scraps. Not enough to feel truly full, but enough to cause his stomach to clench a little uncomfortably around the unfamiliar amount it had been provided. Ferdinand turned onto his side and curled up, quickly drifting off to sleep.

On a morning some weeks later, he awoke to find that the sun was up so he must have slept a good while, as he had fallen into the habit of doing. 

That morning, he exchanged the uniform of padded jack and hose he would have worn under his paladin armor for the clothing he wore when he arrived, expertly repaired by Mercedes. He dressed and slowly made his way downstairs, feeling a little more himself. 

The dining hall was bustling and a line had already formed for lunch. Ferdinand surveyed what they were serving, noting how desperate the situation still seemed to be, each person being given a strict ration. At least it would keep fairly well for a while if he could not eat it all immediately. 

That was another habit he’d fallen into. No matter how hard he tried, he could not quiet the panic he felt at being without food again. And he kept feeling nauseous if he ate too much as well. So he snuck part of his meals back to his room to store. Just in case. 

Ferdinand reached the front of the line, and took the serving given to him. He turned around, eyes sweeping quickly over the rows of tables to find a place to sit. 

Ingrid, Felix and Sylvain were sitting together near one of the doors that faced out onto the fishing pond terrace. He approached, albeit reluctantly. Even though everyone had been so helpful and kind since he arrived, he still felt like the odd one out in a way he never had when he had joined the Blue Lions house during school. The shame of how low he had fallen burned, toxic and suffocating, in his chest. 

“Oh hello, Ferdinand,” Ingrid said, bright and wide eyed. Sylvain gave him a smile and Felix simply nodded. 

They all sat in silence for some time, while Ferdinand carefully picked at his food. Ingrid continued to eat so heartily that he forced himself to take bigger bites in case she started eyeing his food once hers was gone. 

"So," Felix began, in his usual harsh voice, "what can you tell us about our enemy."

Ferdinand coughed, “I am not sure that I can offer you any more information about Edelgard than you already have.” 

“You must know something,” Felix said incredulously. 

“C’mon Felix,” Sylvain said softly. 

“He’s got to know at least something about how their military is organized, their general strategy.” Sylvain reached out and put his hand on Felix’s shoulder and he shook it off, glaring.

“Stop it, you two! Please can we have one meal without an argument?” Ingrid cried, shoving her empty plate to the side and leaning across the table to grab at her friends.

While everyone was distracted, Ferdinand quickly wrapped the extra food in a napkin and tucked it away. He looked up and around furtively to make sure nobody had seen him. “Well, I shall take my leave now,” he told the group, and got up. 

He walked out the door toward the pond, trying to move both casually and with intent, and crashed into someone. He cried out as he flailed his arms to catch himself, landing on the ground with the pilfered food falling around him. It hurt. Ferdinand looked up in the concerned sage green eyes of Ashe. 

“I’m so sorry,” he leaned down to offer his hand, but Ferdinand was too busy gathering up the food he dropped. Ashe crouched and began to help. 

“Are you ok?” he asked Ferdinand, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Yes,” he told Ashe, and then, “No,” and received a partly skeptical, partly sympathetic look.

“I’ve been there,” he said. “It took me a long time after Lonato adopted me before I could relax.” Ashe didn’t hand the food back to him, and Ferdinand watched it like a stray dog. Which, if he had to be honest, he felt like. 

Ashe steered him toward the dormitories, upstairs to Ferdinand’s room. “So,” he started off tentatively while looking around the room, “do you have more?”

He nodded and revealed the stashes of food he had deposited around the room. Ashe assessed everything and set aside most of the food he had hidden. Ferdinand knew most of it was probably no good anymore.

“I, um, I cannot stop thinking about not having enough food,” he said, “but also, I cannot eat a lot of food at once, or I feel sick, so I-”

“You keep saving it for later,” Ashe finished. He regarded him shrewdly for a few moments, and then asked, “You survived by begging for almost five years? It’s ok, you can talk to me. I’m not going to tell anyone else. I was in a similar place after my parents died...until I was adopted.” 

Ferdinand sat on his bed, facing Ashe. “I must seem like such a brat to you,” he confesses.

“No, no! Not at all!” Ashe pulled up the chair from his desk and sat down as well, so he could be on the same level. “My family growing up was not well-to-do, being commoners. We had enough food most of the time, and we had a roof over our heads, but I was used to going without sometimes...and when I lost my parents, it was bad, but we got by. Although, I did some things I’d rather not think about now, that I’m not proud of.”

“You said ‘we,’” Ferdinand said, realizing he did not know Ashe very well.

“Yes, my little brother and sister. I was responsible for them until Lonato adopted us. Now they live in the church, since…” he trailed off and Ferdinand imagined he was thinking of that day in the Magdred Way years ago. 

“Anyway,” Ashe went on, still a little sad, “my parents had an inn, so I learned how to cook early, which was the saving grace that often made all the difference. Do you know how to cook, Ferdinand?”

He shook his head no. “I did my best to learn while we were students, but I never could do it so eventually I was no longer placed on cooking duty.”

“Well, do you think it would help you feel a bit better if you learned how to cook some basic things?”

Ferdinand saw that Ashe’s demeanor had brightened considerably at the prospect, and he responded, “Maybe.”

“Great! We can get started right away, while you are still on orders to rest and recover.” 

The very next day, Ferdinand found himself in the kitchen with Ashe once the rush of people eating breakfast had passed. Ashe started at the most basics of cooking, and Ferdinand followed along as he patiently repeated himself until he got it right. 

A few weeks later and he could confidently boil things, at least. A few weeks after that, he had mastered basic frying and baking of food. He was not free of anxiety, and knew he would not be for a long time, but knowing basic cooking techniques allayed his fear of being dependent on others taking pity on him. 

It was nice to have a task to focus on, and he felt his strength returning slowly. He had even begun to put some weight back on. 

“I am really getting the hang of this,” he said to Ashe. They had finished making soup and sat down to eat. It was almost time for dinner to begin. 

“You’re doing great,” Ashe told him, “If you want, I can even start teaching you about edible plants and gardening.”

“I would like that,” Ferdinand said, and smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter @sweetbun_trio


End file.
